My heart is hurting. I know that I have done all that I could, but still I feel so inadequate. I wish I could be all that my charges need.
Freya’s birthday was this weekend. She has been planning to celebrate for some time now—she invited many of her friends, arranged for food and music, and essentially gave herself the gift of a party. For several weeks she has been looking forward to this.
At first, it seemed that the party would be exactly what she wanted it to be. Nearly everyone who was invited came, and the house was full of friends, music, and food. They played games, talked about their lives, and despite Freya’s instructions not to bring gifts, there were more than a few for her to open. She laughed and chatted and lit the room with her customary glow.
I, however, know her well enough to know that something was wrong. I intended only to stop in to offer my own blessing for her birthday, but I could see a shadow in her heart. It was enough that I lingered, watching, waiting for the trouble to reveal itself—as I have learned it often does, with Freya, if I wait long enough.
It was about midway through the evening that Freya stepped off to the side of the room with her drink and looked around. I went to stand beside her. “What is it, then?” I asked in a low voice. “What could trouble you on a night like this?”
She smiled, and I could see that she was pleased with the party. But somehow, despite the fact that it was in her honor and of her making, she did not feel a part of it. Everyone in the house was there for her, and yet there wasn’t one person she was more excited to see than anyone else.
“All of these people love you,” I reminded her, but I could not help but see her point. With Gabrielle and Victoria so fresh upon my mind, I knew what it was that Freya was missing. She has no such true and deep friendships, which surprises me, given her kindness, compassion, and warmth. But Freya is a fire that burns brightly, not long. She makes a powerful impact in people’s lives, and then she moves on.
Standing apart from it all, she looked at the party which she had to throw for herself, and wondered if she would always be drifting through other people’s lives.
I leaned down and kissed her cheek, wishing that she could feel me by her side. “I love you, my fire woman, with all the love in my heart.”
She took a breath, for she heard my words, but she did not know to believe them. She walked away from me.
I did have one comfort—Elliott came to the party, arriving almost an hour after Freya had given up on him. When she saw him, she lit up like a candle, and he grinned and caught her up in his arms. “Sorry I’m late,” he said. “I always did like to make an entrance.”
“Well, better late than never, but you should remember, better on time than late.” Still, she kissed him, offering her full forgiveness. “Here, come on, let me get you something to drink.”
I was grateful that he drew her back into the swing of the party—she wanted to introduce him to her friends from school, and then he already knew some of her friends from work. I was also grateful that later he pulled her aside to talk to her privately. There is a good connection between the two of them, but in order for it to be the kind of relationship she needs, they will need to get to know one another much better.
He was still there when everyone else had gone, and she was glad to have his company. But I checked on her again when the night was well advanced, and I found her staring at the ceiling in the darkness, listening to Elliott breathe and feeling deeply alone.
My fire woman, my inspiration, my guiding star. She has given me so much. I wish that I could now give her what she needs. But to her, I am nothing more than a voice in the air, whispering things that seem too good to be true.