Rarely has half an hour been so revealing for me. Now if only I knew the best way to act on this knowledge!
I was with Lewis today while he met with Sarah for a quick lunch. They have done this a few times now—he will meet her on her lunch break, or else she will come to the coffeshop after his shift, and they’ll spend some time just talking. It’s done a great deal of good for Lewis, who has found a lot of comfort in Sarah’s undemanding friendship.
Today, however, something was different. Maybe it was Lewis’s mood as he waited outside the restaurant where they had agreed to meet—he had had an especially good day, and so his heart was light. And the moment he saw Sarah, that heart began to beat faster in a way that neither he nor I could mistake.
Sarah, oblivious to Lewis’s new awareness, stopped in front of him, removing her headphones. “Hey,” she said. “You look happy.”
He cleared his throat and lowered his gaze. “Yeah, I guess.”
She laughed and touched his arm. “That wasn’t an accusation, Lew. Come on, I’m starved.”
Wordlessly, he followed her into the restaurant, and I followed after. He needed my support—the realization that he has feelings for Sarah had elicited a powerful reaction in him, and not a good one. It took me a bit of time to soothe his panic, by which point Sarah had ordered her food and had gone off to find them a table.
“This doesn’t change anything,” I assured him, while he ordered something at random and started after Sarah. “You will not lose her friendship so easily.” I had to say this many times before he began to calm down.
Sarah, meanwhile, had noticed nothing. “I’m reconsidering my choice. Did you see that they have a strawberry salad? I should have tried that.” She took a clip out of her hair and shook it out, sighing. “So this morning sucked. I swear, Tony gets older and whiter and stupider every day. I’m so sick and tired of doing his job. But he’s the one who recommends me for a raise, so…” She waved her hand and looked at Lewis. “Everything okay?”
“This is only a small change in yourself,” I told Lewis. “You have the tools to deal with it, and I will help you. Besides, nothing has to change now. She does not need to know right away.”
He took a breath and managed a smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”
She studied his face, not certain whether she should believe him.
Lewis took another breath and leaned his elbows on the table. “So tell me about Tony’s stupidity.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “As if we had enough time for that!”
Still, she did, perhaps sensing that Lewis was not in the mood for conversation. He wasn’t. He was busy watching her, listening to her voice. I was doing the same to him, gauging the way they interact, the tensions between them. In a short time, much became clear to me.
To Lewis, Sarah is something of a lifeline. She came along in a moment when he had no one and nothing, and through her he has friendships and encouragement. He knows that she is the one that began this, and much of his feelings for her come from that truth.
But it is more than that. He admires her for who she is—beautiful and energetic and kind and understanding. He can see her clearly, not just the way she lifts the shadows on his soul.
I do not think his feelings are one-sided, either. When Sarah wound down from talking about her day, she rested her chin in her hand and asked about his.
“Oh, well—” Distracted at last from his revelation, Lewis had to think back on the morning and what had happened. It made him smile, and I wished I had thought to draw his mind back to it earlier. “There’s this family that’s been coming in for bagels for the past couple of weeks. Their little girl will tell anyone who listens that she’s going to get her ears pierced when she turns six. So I asked her this morning what kind of earrings she’s going to get, and she tells me, ‘I want skulls!’” He mimicks a savage glee, making Sarah laugh out loud. “And so I said without even thinking, ‘That’s badass.’ Her parents were standing right there, and I thought, shit, I just stepped in it. And of course she turns right around to her dad and says, ‘Daddy, I’m badass!’”
“Oh, no,” Sarah says, covering her mouth with both hands.
Lewis was grinning now. “I got lucky though. Her dad just kind of smiled and said, ‘Guess it’s official.’ And I went over to apologize later, but the mom just waved it off. They’re really nice folks—they invited me to church on Sunday.”
“You think you’ll go?” Sarah asked, smiling at Lewis’s smile. She was thinking about how nice it was to see it.
“Think I might.” He thought about inviting her to join him, thought better of it, and then, with some urgent prodding from me, said, “You wanna come along?”
Sarah shrugged. “Why not? I could use some Jesus in my life.”
Lewis felt a rush of gratitude, quickly followed by admiration. I was paying more attention to Sarah, though, and I realized that she knows how much comfort it gives Lewis to have her nearby. She gives her support willingly, however, which is vital—she, too, can see good in him.
They made arrangements to meet on Sunday morning for breakfast before the service, and then Sarah had to get going. She kissed Lewis on the cheek before she left and laughed at how flustered it made him. She didn’t know that some of his reaction was new.
It’s an interesting development. I think that she would be open to a relationship between the two of them, but she also knows how fragile he is just now. So she will follow his lead, and with his confidence still running low just now, he will follow mine.
And I will be following Brid’s. She has learned a great deal from me on what is needed for a healthy relationship, and she will be able to tell better than I could when Lewis will be ready. I may be known for taking risks with my charges, but Lewis is too fragile for that to be wise. So I will continue as I have, giving him love and support and helping to mend the hurts in his soul. Then, when he is ready, we will explore this new possibility together with Sarah. I am happy to say that I don’t think she is going anywhere anytime soon.