A Question of Faces

Hannah is still having trouble with her schedule.  Her supervisor has given way only slightly, arranging for Hannah to have one evening a week free.  It is a start, but it is still not quite enough, and Hannah knows that it will be a difficult fight to get more time.

She came home this afternoon to find that she wasn’t the only one who had had a rough day.  Though Lily usually works on homework in the living room, so that she can see when Hannah and Jack get home, today only her babysitter Jane was in the room.

“Hey,” Hannah said.  “Lily upstairs?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, gathering up her own books—she’s a high school student who lives in the neighborhood.  “She was really upset about something when she got home today, but she wouldn’t tell me what.”

“Huh,” Hannah said, setting down her bag.  “Well, I’ll go talk to her.  Thanks, Jane.”

“No problem.”

As Jane let herself out, Hannah started up the stairs.  Lily’s door was closed, and when Hannah knocked, there was no answer.

“Lily?” Hannah called.  “Just wanted to let you know I was home.  Jane said you were upset about something—everything okay?”

There was silence.  Jane had been right—Lily was very upset, and there was a cloud of depression hanging in the air.

“Well, if you want to be left alone, that’s okay,” Hannah said after a moment.  “I just want to make sure you’re not sick or anything.”

“I’m fine,” Lily called, in what was clearly a lie.

“Okay,” Hannah said, now worried.  “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

Hannah retreated, but I stayed—I had the feeling that Lily didn’t really want to be alone.  Sometimes, for certain humans, the company of others is hard.  They want company because loneliness is hurtful, but then the gaze of another is hurtful in a different way.

Fortunately, the company of an angel can sometimes solve both of those problems.

I went into the bedroom to find Lily curled up on her bed, her homework open but ignored in front of her.  She sat with her back to the headboard, her hands cupped together and resting on her knees.  There were tears on her face, and every once in a while she opened her hands, flinched, and hastily closed them again.

When I saw what she held, I knew what the problem was.  I wrapped the girl in my wings and settled in for a while.

It was almost half an hour later that Lily started to feel strong enough to face Hannah.  With my encouragement, she put the object of contention into her pocket and opened the door.

Hannah had been listening, and she met Lily at the foot of the stairs.  Seeing the remains of tears on Lily’s face, she made her voice very gentle.  “Want a snack?”

Lily nodded, and they went back into the kitchen for some chips and hummus.  Hannah didn’t ask, and after a little while Lily said, “There’s a new girl at school this year.”

“Oh?” Hannah said.

“Yeah.  Her name is Danielle.  She’s really tall and pretty.”

Now Hannah was beginning to get an inkling of what the problem might be.  She stayed quiet, though, waiting.

Lily took a deep breath.  “Today she brought her sister’s makeup bag to school, and all the other girls were playing with it.  I wanted to, too, but Danielle said…”  Her eyes were welling up again.  “She said that there was nothing in the bag that would ever make my face look pretty.”

“Oh, honey,” Hannah sighed.

Lily pulled the little round compact out of her pocket and pushed it across the table.  “I told her that my face is much better than it was—that you fixed it,” she said.  “And they all laughed at me.  They said that you did a bad job.  And Danielle gave me this and she said, ‘You see for yourself.  You look like a monster.’”

She was crying fully now, and Hannah came around the table to put her arms around her.  I wrapped my wings around them both, and my heart was breaking.

Children can be so careless of others.  But then, how could this other girl know the terrible things that Lily has suffered, and the strength that it has taken to heal this much?

After a moment, Lily pulled back, wiping her eyes with both hands.  “Why didn’t you fix me all the way?” she asked.  “Why did you leave the scars behind?”

Hannah had to close her eyes a moment against her own tears.  “Because surgery is a big deal, sweetheart,” she said, “and it could set you back in your healing a lot.”

“I don’t care.  I don’t care if it hurts.”

Hannah put her hands on either side of Lily’s face.  “I do,” she said, and her voice shook.  “You listen to me, Lily.  Your face is such a huge part of who you are, and I love this face.”  Her thumb stroked across the bumpy scars beginning at the edge of Lily’s jawline, marring her ear and running down her neck.  Lily has been growing out her hair to help hide the scars, but Hannah pushed it back now so she could see them all.  “Every time I see these scars, I’m reminded of how strong you were when you came to the hospital, and how the pain didn’t stop you from being kind and loving.  That’s what I see when I look at your face.”

Lily was staring at Hannah.  “Really?”

“Really.  And I hope you learn to see that, too.”  She picked up the compact and opened it, turning it so that Lily could see herself.  Both Hannah and I watched as Lily studied her reflection, especially the scars.

After a moment, Lily sniffed and looked back at Hannah.  “They’re still ugly,” she said, though she was feeling a bit better.

“Well, the other girls don’t know you, so they only see the scars, not what they mean.  But if you want, when you get a little older and have had some time to think about it, we’ll see what we can do to make the scars go away.  I promise, if you still want to in a few years, I’ll find you the best surgeon there is.”

Lily blinked.  “Why wouldn’t you do it?”

Hannah smiled and ran her hand down Lily’s hair again.  “You remember how I told you once how doctors have to stay very, very calm when they’re in surgery, or they don’t do a good job?”  Lily nodded.  “Well, I don’t know if I could stay calm if I were working on you.  Because I love you so much and you’re so important to me, I’d be very scared of making a mistake and hurting you.”

“I don’t think you would make a mistake,” Lily said, frowning.  “And I would want you to do it.”

Hannah shook her head.  “It would be better to get someone else.  But I promise, I’ll find the best surgeon out there, and I’ll make sure they know how important it is to do a good job.  You trust me, right?”

Lily threw her arms around Hannah’s neck.  “Of course.”

Hannah squeezed her eyes shut, overcome by a rush of love for this girl.  I wished then that I were a Healer, that I could take the power of that love and make a miracle for Lily, so that the scars would be gone and she would never have any more trouble.

But I am a Cupid, and so I did the next best thing, opening Lily’s spirit so that she could feel that love for herself.

The front door opened then, and Jack called out from the front of the house.  By the time he reached the kitchen, both Hannah and Lily had dried their tears and were back to eating hummus.

“Ugh, what a day,” he said, dropping his briefcase to the floor.  “And what a relief it is to have both my girls here!”  He leaned down to kiss Hannah’s cheek, and only then noticed her reddened eyes.  He glanced from her to Lily with a frown.  “Everything okay?”

“Yes,” Lily answered.  “I was sad about my scars, but Hannah told me that they mean I’m strong, and I’m going to tell the other girls that tomorrow.”

Jack straightened up, realizing that he’d missed something important.  “That’s good,” he said slowly.

Lily stuck a chip into the hummus, but then she left it there, looking up at Jack.  “Uncle Jack, do you like my face?”

For a moment Jack wasn’t certain how to respond, so I made a suggestion.  His expression serious, Jack came around the table and took Lily’s face in his hands.  “This face,” he said, and leaned down to press his cheek against hers, “is my favorite face.”  And he rubbed his cheek against hers until she laughed.  Then he scooped her up and hugged her tightly.

“Do you like it even better than Hannah’s?” Lily whispered to him.

“Yes, but don’t tell her,” Jack whispered back.  “She’ll get jealous.”

And they both looked at Hannah with smiles, and Hannah looked at the faces of her family and started to cry again.  This time, they were tears of joy.