For the past few days Lily has been quiet with Hannah. Neither she nor Jack had any idea what was in the girl’s head, but on my advice they have not pressed her, waiting until she was ready to speak her mind. I, of course, did have some idea, and I knew that it was something that she had to work through on her own.
But even I didn’t quite expect it to all come out at once the way it did.
This afternoon, Hannah brought Lily a snack up to her room. “Fractions again?” she asked, looking over Lily’s shoulder at her homework. “Need any help?”
“No, I’m okay.”
Hannah looked at Lily’s profile and stifled a sigh. She set the plate down next to Lily, ran a hand over her hair, and turned to go.
Lily glanced at her snack, then gasped. “You took the second cookie off the Oreos!”
Hannah paused in the doorway and laughed. “Yeah, Jack said you thought the chocolate-to-cream ratio was off, so I fixed it for you. Hope you don’t mind, but even if you do, it’s too late, I already ate the top cookies.”
Lily took a bite of one of the divided cookies and danced in her seat. “It’s perfect!” she said. “Thanks—”
She stopped mid-word and mid-chew. As Hannah watched, confused, her face became stricken. Lily looked away, swallowed, and then suddenly ran to her bed and flung herself down on it, bursting into tears.
“Lily!” Hannah was at her side in a second, drawing her hair back to try and see her face. “Are you okay? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Frantically she reassured herself that Lily couldn’t be crying if she was choking, but maybe she had bitten her tongue or—
“I can’t do it!” Lily cried into the pillow, but Hannah heard. “I’m sorry, Hannah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
“Do what?” Hannah asked, stroking Lily’s hair and her shoulders. “Oh, honey, whatever it is, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out. You and me, together, we can do anything.”
That only made Lily cry harder. Bewildered and worried, Hannah waited, staying right by her side, until Lily calmed down enough to sit up.
“Now, do you want to tell me what exactly is going through your head?” Hannah asked. She reached out and plucked a tissue from the box beside Lily’s bed.
Lily blew her nose and crumpled the tissue up in her fist, miserable and upset with herself. “I’ve been trying to do what Dr. Valdez said,” she said, unable to look up. “He said it was unfair for me to call him Papi unless I call you—Mom. So I’ve been thinking about it like he told me, and I want to, but it won’t come out. I’m sorry,” she said, fresh tears welling up.
Hannah was stunned. She hadn’t expected this from Lily so soon, and she certainly would never have expected her father to be the one to put the idea in her head. For a moment she was torn between irritation and a deep sense of gratitude. But she shook her head and turned all her attention to Lily.
“Lily, I’m touched that you want to call me that, I really am,” she said, putting her hand under Lily’s chin. “But I’m not trying to take your mother’s place, you know that.”
Lily sniffed. “But you love me like a mom,” she said. “And it’s not fair if I can’t love you back the same way.”
“Oh, Lily,” Hannah said, pulling her into her arms. “I don’t doubt for a second that you didn’t love me. I know that you do, so much more than I ever expected or deserved.” Now she was getting teary-eyed, too. “A name’s just a name. You can call our family whatever you want, but it’s still a family. You, me, and Jack. We all love each other so much—”
Hannah stopped short. She and Jack have not yet used that word between them yet. Their relationship lately has been so tangled with their feelings for Lily that neither of them have felt certain about what is hers and what is just between them. But having spoken the word aloud, Hannah was surprised and warmed by how right it felt.
“A wonderful thing to think of at another time,” I told her, “but Lily needs you now.”
So she set aside that line of thought and drew back so she could look into Lily’s face. “Listen,” she said, “if you really want to, why don’t you call me something other than Mom? Mom can still mean your mother, and I can be something different—Ma or Mama, maybe.” Her heart jumped at the thought—she had always called her mother Mama, and so that name has deep sweetness for her.
“Mama?” Lily repeated, looking up at Hannah.
She smiled and nodded. “And you don’t have to call me anything but Hannah until you’re good and ready,” she told Lily. “I promise you, it won’t change anything. I’m still going to be here, and I’m still going to love you more and more every day.” She kissed Lily’s head. “You’re my girl, okay?”
“Okay,” Lily said, and she smiled.
And I, wordless with love for them both, wrapped them as tight as I could in my wings, until they both felt how truly rare and good the bond is between them. I think it is a moment they will both remember for the rest of their lives, and I am glad.