Inca came to see me this afternoon. She gave me an update on Gabrielle and Christina—they are beginning to talk about getting married. I was a bit more excited by this news than Inca felt it really warranted—she says there are no plans yet, just an opening of conversation about the idea of marriage. Still, that is an important step in a relationship, and I am happy for them. Oh, and on a related note, I hear optimistic news from Tariku about Gary, who now calls his daughter without needing to be prompted, and will even talk to Christina, too. Slow progress, but progress still.
In any case, after Inca had shared her news and I had shared mine, she lingered, curiosity in her aura. “Eburnean tells me that you have spent a deal of time with Orison in the past few weeks. Is there more to learn about Shannon’s past, or is it something else that draws you to him?”
It is strange—mention of Shannon still sends pain running through me, and I would not say that this pain has diminished with time’s passage. But I have grown accustomed to it, and I can work and think through it now. Hatsumi said it well when she said that my soul has grown around the grief. It is truly a part of myself now.
“I have learned all that I can about Shannon,” I told Inca, “but I still find myself with questions for Orison. He has been telling me about the Fallen, about what forms they take and what mischief they wreak on the Earth.”
Inca was surprised by this. She did not say anything, but the question was clear, likely because it is one I have asked myself many times—why does a Cupid need to know such things?
“I would say that it is simple curiosity,” I explained, answering the question though she did not speak it, “except nothing about the Fallen is simple. I think that it is important for me to know about them. I can’t help them, I can’t save them, but I can understand them, and I can pity them.”
Now Inca shook her head, smiling. “If you could, you would love all the darkened world, Asa’el.”
“And why can’t I?” I asked. “If our Father can use me to show his own presence and love to my charges, why can’t I be a source of love and support even for the most lost of his children?”
Inca pressed me then for the story of Kyle’s realization, which I was very happy to tell. She listened with wide eyes, something wistful in her expression. “What a gift,” she murmured when I had finished. “Truly, Asa’el, what a blessed gift. I only wish…” She stopped and shook her head.
“No, speak your thought.”
She sighed. “I have no regrets, really. I love my work and I know that it is important. But I do wish sometimes that I could work with such beauty as you do. Sometimes it seems that I am surrounded by ugliness.”
It made me worried to hear her talk this way, as it reminded me of what Orison said to me about Guardians being weakened by the darkness in the world. Inca insisted that she was all right, but I would not let her leave me until she promised to go and speak to Eburnean. Perhaps they will arrange for her to have some sabbath time.
I am fortunate, to use love and kindness as my tools rather than wrath and justice. And I would not say that my work is easy or unimportant. It is just that today, I feel very lucky to have the role that I have in heaven, and very grateful for my sisters and brothers who shoulder a less enjoyable burden.