I apologize to those of you who have reached out to me and may feel that I have spurned your presence. The company of my sisters and brothers has been painful to me since my censure. You all have been very kind and loving, but it is a truth of guilt that kindness can be the most difficult thing to accept. I deserve avoidance and scorn, not comfort and forgiveness.
I believe, however, I have begun to find some of that comfort in the company of humans. Strange though it may seem, they have returned to me some of the peace that I have tried to offer them.
It was Danit who gave me the idea. She advised me after the hearing to use my hours in the Garden wisely, not with work, but with observation. “You have done a great deal of good already, Asa’el,” she told me. “Go and see for yourself.”
I did not give much credence to her words, but now, having visited each of my assignments in turn, I begin to feel that she was right.
I went to see Ramona and Jesse first, as they had arranged to meet earlier this week. It was the first time that Jesse had been invited to Ramona’s home, and while she was nervous, she was also very excited. She had a surprise for Jesse, and I was privileged to learn what it was at the same time he did—though perhaps I should have been watching more closely.
On his arrival at her apartment building, Jesse found a note on her door saying, Meet me on the roof, with a tiny drawing instructing him how to get there. The accurate and to-scale rendering made him smile, and he took the stairs two at a time.
The roof was an unlovely place, all concrete and rusty pipes, but Ramona had transformed it. Small lights were draped everywhere, casting a golden glow over the scene and softening the rough edges. There were even lights on the odd machine that sat in the middle of the roof, looking with a single eye at a large white sheet stretched out into a screen. Below the sheet was a nest of soft cushions and blankets, and a bowl of popcorn rested in the middle.
Ramona, still wearing her coverall from work, looked up from tinkering with the machine in dismay. “You’re early!” she exclaimed. “I meant to change.”
Reading her lips, Jesse smiled and crossed the roof to kiss her. You look beautiful, he told her.
She did. The coverall suits her, symbolizing her strength and practicality. Her long figure often makes her awkward in dresses, but in the coverall she is comfortable, certain of her own competence. And a smudge of oil on her face is better complement to her cheekbones than any coloring could be.
They exchanged a kiss, lingering together, and without removing his lips from hers, he made signs against her palm, asking what all this was.
She stepped back, beaming. “It’s movie night,” she said, hurrying to collect the covers of the films she had chosen.
Jesse was confused, but immediately braced himself to bear the evening. That measure was unnecessary, however, when Ramona placed the covers in his hands.
“I’ve been trying to figure out the best silent films,” she explained as soon as he had looked up at her with wide eyes. “For a paper, you know,” she added, though a flicker of a smile acknowledged the lie in that—it was all for him. “But I really can’t decide between these two. So I need a second opinion.” Blushing, she continued to sign, “And no one’s opinion matters more to me than yours.”
Touched and delighted, Jesse put both of the covers into one hand so that he could use the other to pull Ramona close and kiss her. She smiled against his lips, feeling sure and beautiful in his grasp.
I watched “Joan of Arc” with them—how could I refuse such a beautiful rendering of a story so close to every angel’s heart?—but left them in peace to view “The Lodger” together, curled in their nest and both deaf to the city’s noise.
On the same night, Don and Charlotte were walking arm-in-arm along the harbor, talking together. I walked with them for a time, listening to them discuss Don’s latest case, Charlotte’s most recent hiring difficulties, and attending Jayden’s next track meet. Charlotte has a new softness to her face, and she laughs more often, while Don looks younger than he did when I first met him.
I joined Morgan and Brooke for breakfast, a riotous affair in which toast was burned, omelets became scrambled eggs, and many kisses were exchanged. The meal ended in a hurry, however, when Brooke received a call from her mother, someone who has not spoken to the two of them since their announcement of their relationship.
Out of respect for the high emotions exchanged in that conversation, I will not relay it word for word, but I can assure you that the tears shared in that call were out of happiness and not hurt. The image of Morgan holding Brooke in her arms, her head thrown back and her wet face filled with joy and thanksgiving, will remain with me for always.
As for Lamarr and Tammy, I have just come from them, for they spent all of yesterday moving their belongings into a small, lovely apartment halfway between Lamarr’s school and Tammy’s workplace. Exhausted from the labor, they spent the night simply lying in one another’s arms, dreaming of the life they would build together. And this morning, when they woke, Lamarr took Tammy’s left hand and kissed her fourth finger, and in her heart she said the first prayer she has said in a long time, thanking God for her happiness.
Sundar, my friend who is a Hearer, has shown me some of the other prayers he has collected from my assignments, all prayers of thanksgiving and praise. Without my work, these prayers might never have been spoken.
I am glad that I have been able to help them, and sorry if it has seemed that I showed Freya preference over them. They are all precious to me, and I am so pleased and proud that they have found new strength and happiness in one another.
I believe I am now finally ready to return to work. Pamela still has need of me, and I cannot let them down. Tomorrow is a new beginning for me, and I will do my very best.