The humans have a saying for moments like this—when one has made a statement that is almost immediately proved incorrect. It is, “I spoke too soon.” I am referring to the statement at the end of my last post—all is certainly not continuing to be well.
It is not Lamarr and Tammy I speak of, nor Don and Charlotte—little has changed for them. I may have lost Ramona and Jesse, though.
Danit has warned me several times of the fragility of these early connections—one small problem, one little contradiction, and fear will send the two racing away from one another, perhaps never to return. That would be a very great shame in this case, but I do not really know how to mend matters. Ramona is broken-hearted, and Jesse is filled with self-loathing and anger. And it was such a small thing!
But I should start at the beginning. This morning Ramona drove out to Jesse’s house, her heart thudding under her jacket the whole time. She had never been alone with Jesse before, especially not in his home. I am not certain why that should have been a contribution to her anxiety, but so it was.
Jesse was thinking along the same lines when he opened the door for her. All alone? he signed to her.
She laughed nervously and signed as she spoke, “I thought I’d give it a try. I’m not very good yet, but if someone is always helping me, I’ll never learn, right?”
He watched her hands—she has lovely hands, strong and tough and capable—and smiled. You’re doing very well, he said, and offered to take her coat.
“Oh, aren’t we going to see the geese?” she asked.
Coffee first? he inquired.
This made her heart speed up, but I breathed as much calm as she would take over her, and she assented, letting him help her off with her bright red coat.
They sat down in his kitchen, and the strong black coffee seemed to soothe Ramona, though for most people it does the opposite. They talked of light things—Ramona’s work, and Jesse’s, which seems to have a great deal to do with money, and then Jesse’s pottery and Ramona’s hobbies. She likes to watch movies, and has even taken a few film courses at a nearby community college.
Jesse doesn’t watch many movies, though I caught him thinking that he might begin, from the passionate light in Ramona’s eyes as she talked about some of her favorites. His inability to contribute to the conversation, however, soon caught her attention, and she blushed and trailed off, thinking she was boring him.
Glancing out the window, she saw movement by the pond and pushed to her feet. “Look, there they are!” And half to escape Jesse, half in excitement for the geese, she hurried out the door.
Laughing, Jesse went to get his coat and hers, and he joined her by the pond, where she stood quietly, watching. It was truly beautiful—the birds had been flying out over the trees behind Jesse’s house, and now they were settling down on the water. I forgot my charges for a moment, watching the ripples caused by the sweep of wings, the majestic reaching of the dark feet for the darker water, the curve of sinuous gray necks.
When I returned my attention to Ramona and Jesse, I saw him standing slightly behind her, watching her reaction. She was wide-eyed with wonder, watching a tranquil beauty that she had so little of in her life, and she was fully appreciating it, as so few people know how to do.
Jesse looked at her and thought of his wife Victoria, who had been a busy woman, with little time or patience for such things. When he could get her to settle, though, she had been warm and loving—a refuge to him.
Ramona turned to him, grateful that he had let her come, and met his eyes. She misread his serious look as tenderness, and a sudden boldness—so sudden that I could not stop it—made her step forward, take his face in her hands, and kiss him.
It was exactly the wrong thing to do. Had it been done more carefully—had I eased them along more gently—the thoughts of the sweeter moments with his wife might have led him to consider having such moments again. But so quickly, on the heels of such memories, the kiss—and his reaction to it—made him feel that he were betraying Victoria, and he snatched himself away, nearly falling.
Ramona went bone white, and she pressed her hand against her lips. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, which he could not hear and did not see.
Confused and upset, Jesse looked away from her. I reached out for Ramona, trying to calm her, but she was certain of his rejection now, and she was not going to stay to feel more of it. She turned and ran, charging into the house and barely pausing to snatch up her bag. Not three minutes later she was on the road, crying, her hands shaking as she lit a cigarette at the first traffic light.
In vain I tried to reassure her, tried to remind her that Jesse had been married before, that his withdrawal may not have had to do with her. She is convinced that she was simply imagining his regard, that the signs she had been seeing were her own invention.
Unable to console her, I went back to Jesse and found him despondent. His emotions were running in a rough circle—first he would be resentful of Ramona for the kiss, then remorseful, realizing it wasn’t her fault. On the heels of his remorse came regret, for he’d wanted the kiss, and then guilt, for wanting it. The grief came next, with the thought of Victoria, and then resentment again, this time against her. I didn’t understand this feeling—she couldn’t help dying, after all. It is the way of the world.
I stayed, listening in on this cycle and trying to stop it, but my influence is lessened in the presence of strong emotions, and these were some of the strongest I have come across. In the end, I could only leave him to his brooding.
I don’t know what to do. Danit says that such things happen, and that I can only wait and see. She warns me that it may be too late—such an event can mean an end to a relationship before it begins.
I can’t accept that, though. I want Ramona to be happy—despite her thoughts on the matter, she does deserve to be loved. I want Jesse to be lifted out of his sorrow, to be freed from his past. How can I leave them this way?
If any of you have any advice, please tell me. I do not know what to do.