Shaken

I have spent all of my time with Grace, expecting that she would need my support to get herself back together.  To my surprise—and of course, my relief—she was already on her feet when I arrived this morning, talking to the hotel manager about prices and attending breakfast with some of her coworkers.  She managed to convince them not to hunt Con down and hang him up by his toes in the precinct office, though I think they wouldn’t really have done that.

I was amazed.  There is anger in her, but it burns low, well beneath the surface where she has it perfectly in check.  She is in pain, yes, but she carries that pain with ease, as if it is a burden she has been preparing herself for.  Perhaps, in the deepest part of her soul, she has.  Perhaps she knew even better than I did that this might happen and began weeks ago to brace herself for the possibility without even really accepting it.

I can see that Con’s abandonment has caused a wound in her soul, but I am uncertain as yet how that wound will change her.  I hope that I can help her to come through it, but assuredly she does not need my help now.

That is for the best, for I am not confident in my ability to help her at all.  This failure has shaken me.  It has proved to me that love is not always enough to keep a couple together.  I should have learned it with Pamela and Daniel, but I was so sure that the real and practiced love that Con and Grace shared would get them through this, where Pamela and Daniel only had possibilities and hope.  More fool, I.

Danit has tried to reassure me, to tell me that angels cannot always know what is best for their charges.  Brid said the same, that I could not have been with them all the time, and that I did all that I could for the best.  But Inca said nothing at all, and I knew quite clearly what she was thinking: that because of my failure, my charge has suffered, as surely as if I had allowed her to be struck by an enemy.  I could have brought this to an end weeks ago, and though it would have hurt her, it would have been easier than this public humiliation, this dashing of all her hopes in front of everyone who matters to her.

I will not give up, of course.  That would be the ultimate shame, and I will not let Grace down, not now.  She will need me soon, and I must be at least as strong as she is.  But I no longer feel sure that I can give her all the help that she needs.