I have never been on a roller coaster, or indeed, anywhere near one. Brooke was partial to them, though, and I was present once when she was telling Morgan about one of her favorites—the slow climb bringing her higher and higher, to be released in a steep, exhilarating drop which ended in a sudden brake and a turn that jolted the entire body. I am not entirely sure why she found this enjoyable, but there it is.
The memory has been with me all day, and I realize now that it is exactly the way that things have been with Grace and Con these past few weeks. All the time that Shep has been spending in the NICU was the gradual ascent—day by day he’s grown stronger, but each new milestone only built the anticipation they were feeling. Today, however, they finally crested the hill. Shep, having done very well—miraculously well, some of the doctors were heard to say—is finally able to go home today.
After such a buildup, the plunge was just as could be expected. There was a madness of many people rushing about, passing on the news and getting Grace’s apartment ready—after all, no one quite expected this to be happening so soon. Even as Con threw open the door with a flourish before Grace and her sleeping cargo, Grace’s father Jake was still working on putting together the bassinet, and her mother Mary Ann had not yet finished making lunch. Only moments later Con’s parents had joined them, and soon after that Michael and Amanda arrived to exclaim over the baby, and then a few of Grace’s coworkers, until there was an impromptu party in Grace’s apartment and Michael made a hurried trip out to the market for beer and a few frozen pizzas.
Of course, the star of this show was asleep for most of it, but none of the adults minded the slightest bit. It was a positive fog of relief and excitement, and under it all was love, love of all forms and strengths for this new human, this fragile life who has given such fear and anxiety that is now unnecessary. It was one of the most pleasant afternoons I have ever spent on Earth.
But there was a sudden stop and turn to come, and I wish that I had anticipated it. I might have handled it better, in that case.
As the group began to disperse, Con found his way to Grace’s side. He had drifted throughout the afternoon, but always came back to her and the baby, looking down at them with such love and relief in his heart, it nearly brought me to tears. He took his seat, looking at her holding little Shep in her arms, and it felt like coming home to him.
So it was not strange that he said softly to her then, “Gracie, I want to move in with you.”
Grace looked up, surprised. They have been so concerned about Shep’s health that they have not looked past this moment, have not talked about what will happen next. Now Grace found the future suddenly opening in front of her, and she looked at it in some alarm. “What?” she asked.
I should have warned Con of the uncertainty in her heart, but I did not read the signs soon enough. “I want to be here for you and for Shep,” he said. “I want to help take care of you both. Let me do that.” He reached out to cup his hand behind Shep’s head—a few wisps of cloud-soft hair are beginning to show themselves there.
What shocked me awake was a sudden impulse of Grace’s to pull the baby away. She quashed it immediately, but it was there, and she could not deny it any more than I could. I drew closer to them, shutting out the rest of the room.
Con looked up then, aware now of Grace’s silence. “Gracie?” he asked, frowning.
Grace looked down at her son’s face, and imagined being separated from him. It almost broke her heart. But her heart has been broken before, and so she drew up her chin and looked Con in the eye. “No, Con,” she said, not without compassion.
He absorbed that without moving, his hand still resting on his son’s head.
“I’m sorry, I know you want to be close by, and you can come anytime you want to see him,” Grace went on. “But I’m not ready to have you here all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
Con’s throat was closing—to him it felt like it was full of knives. He looked down at Shep, and all of the relief of having him home, having him safe, having him near enough to touch, seemed to vanish.
I enveloped him in my wings. “It is not banishment,” I told him. “You will still see him every day, still be able to take care of him.”
But it was not the same, and I knew that. Suddenly Con’s dreams—dreams of his family brought together, his sins forgiven and erased—have been dissolved, and in the wake of such a thing it is hard to see the possibilities for new dreams.
“Grace,” Mary Ann said, bustling over, oblivious to the tension between the two parents, “what would you think if we still did the baby shower? It would have to be a bit different since Shep will already be there, but people have already set aside the date and gotten gifts, so…”
Grace seized on the new subject gratefully. “Well, would we have time to put it all together? I know you did some planning, but…” She glanced at Con, who still wasn’t moving, and looked away again. “Here, Con, hold Shep,” she said and placed her son in his arms. She used his shoulder to lever herself to her feet, the pressure partially an apology, partially an affirmation of her denial.
Con looked down at Shep and extended one finger to touch Shep’s tiny hands. The baby stirred in sleep, and his fingers closed around Con’s, holding as tight as a baby can. Con blinked back tears, feeling as if he were in a small car which had suddenly leapt off the rails.