Of all my charges, none seem to have suffered much for my absence. Matters are settling down for Harrington and Arthur, who are establishing a balance in their work life that differs from their home life. Still, I think both of them will be relieved when the semester is over—glad that they did it, but glad also that it is done. Grace and Con still have their rough moments, but they are finding a rhythm, and bit by bit they are working out the details of their life together. As for Gabrielle and Nick, they are each beginning to pack up their separate lives to combine them into one. This will not be without its difficulties, but I am pleased with the way the two of them communicate with one another.
I have not been to see Freya, nor have I heard from Lubos, or any of my seniors.
Then there is Ted. For his sake, at least, I am glad that I was released when I was.
Last night, I was with him and Elaine for a lazy evening—she had an overnight shift coming up, so she needed someone to keep her awake. He took the day off work to keep her company, and they were talking about their dream vacations when Ted’s phone rang. The first time he ignored it, but it rang again right away, so he apologized and stepped out onto the porch to answer it.
“Ted?” It was Cole on the end of the line. “I hope I’m not bothering you.”
“No, not at all.” Ted was instantly concerned. “Is everything all right? You sound upset.”
“That would be because I am.” Cole sighed into the phone. “I shouldn’t have called, only—today’s been a really rough day and I needed cheering up.”
This made Ted smile. “No problem—I’m good at that. Let me go get a beer, and we’ll get to work.”
Cole laughed. “Not a bad idea.”
Ted did not actually go back into the house—he simply meant to remind Cole of the early days of their friendship. “What’s on your mind?”
Cole sighed. “Well, I had something of a big fight with Ian this afternoon.”
“And like a middle-school girl, you want to analyze every word and expression.”
“Fuck you,” Cole said, but he was laughing.
Ted’s face grew serious, and he sank down on the steps of his porch. “What happened?”
As Cole began to describe the disagreement—something to do with Ian’s interest in other men on their last date—my attention was caught by movement inside. Elaine, motivated by curiosity, got up and came to the front door. It was closed, but she could see through the window in the door, and the windows in front of the house were open.
I considered warning Ted that she was listening, but it seemed that Cole did need the comfort, and I was not certain that anything would come of it. Besides, I have a new reason now to be wary of too much interference.
“I just don’t know,” Cole sighed. “I want to trust him, I really do, but I’m not sure I can.”
“It’s yourself you’re not trusting,” Ted pointed out. “You’re doubting that you can hold his interest. But you can. There’s absolutely no reason he wouldn’t want to be with you.”
“Aside from the fact that I’m old and tired and cynical?”
“I’m cynical. You’re a starry-eyed dreamer. And don’t call yourself old, either, or you’ll make me feel it.”
“You, the wild man of lake and stream? Never!”
They laughed together, and from the door Elaine watched Ted’s face with a frown on her brow.
“You didn’t have an argument for tired,” Cole pointed out.
Ted sighed. “Well, that’s the fight we’ve been fighting, isn’t it? To believe in something, when years of disappointment make it seem easier just to forget about it. But we’ll find it, Cole. We will both be happy—you make me believe that.”
These words sent quiet needles through Elaine, though she didn’t quite know why. Silently she stepped back from the door and returned to the sofa, lying down to think about what he’d said. I went with her, gauging her reaction, and realized that she understood precisely what Ted was talking about. She has been through the same weary fear that they have felt—that she will never find anyone to love, that she has missed her chance. She had just not thought that Ted might talk about romance with anyone but herself.
When Ted finally bid Cole goodbye and returned to the house, I expected a confrontation, but there was none. Elaine accepted Ted’s kiss easily and picked right back up with the conversation they had been having. Still, what she had overheard has lingered in her mind, and she is still turning it over.
As far as I can tell, she now only suspects that Ted might have feelings for Cole. This bothers her, of course, but she has half convinced herself that she is imagining it. I imagine that she will be paying attention in the next few days to see what she can learn about his feelings.
I am torn. On the one hand, I want honesty to be between them—I think that is one of the reasons I did not stop her from listening or warn Ted that she was, although I would have preferred more openness. On the other hand, things between her and Ted are good, and I do not know if there is a better possibility with Cole.
I wish I could ask Danit for advice, but she is still unavailable. I suppose I will just have to muddle on alone, or at least I will as long as I can, before my seniors come to a decision.