I am confused. I am exultant. I am humbled. And somewhere deep inside, a part of me, the part that best remembers the feeling of being wingless and new, is afraid.
I was never alone, in the hours leading up to the interview. Brid and Inca have been most steadfast—ever since the event, if I was in heaven, one or the other has been with me, if not both. But others of my brothers and sisters have come to be with me, too. Ahury, Nehisi, Alivia, and Shahidi, Nozomi and Adnar’el, Elohine and Bayaer, Sabasa, Beriah, Sundar, and Tavares…each of them came, as if to give the lie to my belief that they did not want to be associated with me. It honors me that so many angels of different disciplines and ranks would come to stand at my back in such a moment.
But none of them were permitted to come with me when the time came.
The first angel I saw when I arrived to the appointed location was Eburnean, standing slim and silent with wings folded. With them was another angel I did not recognize, but who bore the unmistakable aura of a Guardian, his wings like black blades. Both of them watched in silence as I came forward.
“Join us, Asa’el,” Anteros said.
His face was solemn as I came further in. All of my seniors were there—Zezette at Anteros’ left, Shemida at his right, Jariel and Kuya flanking them. Danit did not smile at me, though I thought her expression was a bit softer than that of the others. They all looked stern.
All but one small angel, also strange to me, who waited off to one side with Lubos standing next to her. I had never encountered this angel before, but her face was all smiles, and her aura was all warmth. I could not help but smile back at her as I entered.
My wings were trembling as I spread them in a bow. “I am ready to hear this council’s judgment,” I said.
There was a rustling of wings, and I sensed surprise.
“Judgment?” Anteros repeated. “There is to be no judgment, Asa’el.”
I felt that I had fallen through the clouds, I was so astonished. “No judgment?”
The small angel, a Virtue with wings of sweetest cream, laughed. “You see, Anteros, even with the best of intentions, we can cause harm to our brothers.”
Anteros looked chagrined, and he bowed—bowed—to the Virtue. “If we had brought you earlier into our deliberations, Peronel, we would have spared our brother his fear.” He came forward to me, looking less stern now. “Forgive us, Asa’el. We did not mean to make you wait so that you would worry, but because we wished to spare you our uncertainty.”
This was not effective, but I was too grateful to say so—though it seemed to me that Peronel saw this, from her amused smile. “What was it that gave you such uncertainty?”
Anteros glanced back at Danit before returning his gaze to me. “It is no secret among us,” he said, “that there was some question at your birth as to where in our ranks you would be placed.”
I had been expecting this, but it still struck hard. Behind me, both Eburnean and the sharp-winged angel moved closer to me. But their intervention was unnecessary, for both Peronel and Anteros threw a wing over me, and a wave of such acceptance and love filled me that I can still feel it even now.
“Have no fear,” Peronel said, “for whatever you are, you are known, and you are loved.”
“It is so,” agreed Anteros, and the fiercest love I had ever seen was in his eyes.
Reeling from the wash of emotion, it took me several moments to find words again. Finally I managed to say, “You were doubting, then, that I had been rightly placed as a Cupid.”
Anteros inclined his head. “We who share love do not have such power to move in the physical as you have shown. Our domain is that of the heart, and we are not concerned with the flesh. When you defended Freya Cobb as you did, we feared that we had chosen wrongly when you were made.”
I took comfort from the past tense. “But you have decided you were correct after all?” I almost could not imagine what would happen if they had decided otherwise, and I certainly did not want to.
But Anteros did not answer. It was Peronel who said, “Love was the first trait that distinguished you, Asa’el, and love guides you still. It was your guide when you acted to defend this woman just as it was on your very first day. It is our Father’s will that you continue to let it guide you.”
I looked at her then, and I realized that I had been wrong. She is a Virtue, but also at her breast is an eye that burns with glory, shimmering with color and so intense that it cannot be seen unless one knows it is there. Thus why even a Dominion will bow to her—she is a Seraph, an Order of the highest rank, who carries the word of God.
“Sister,” I said, choked with relief and awe and astonishment—Orders so rarely leave the presence of our Father that I had never seen one. “I cannot say—there are not words—” Despite that, I tried to find some, until she laughed and waved me away.
“You are a strange one, Asa’el,” she said. “Strange and wonderful, for God suits his creations to his purposes, and you have something truly special ahead of you. You have seen many wisdoms and you will see many more in your days, and there are many things that you could be. So long as you follow love, you will find your way.”
This time I did not try to stammer my thanks, only bowed. She bent and kissed me, and the mark of her lips still burns.
When I looked up, she was gone, and my seniors were shifting their wings, sharing looks of similar awe. What I had seen as sternness on my arrival had simply been their captivation with Peronel. Even Anteros looked relieved and disappointed at once. He looked down at me again and smiled. “The word of the Lord,” he said.
“Thanks be to God,” we all responded.
“As she says, then, Asa’el, you will continue as you have,” Anteros said. “Let love guide you, and consider all the many paths open to you. It is possible, even likely, that you will end by moving into a new discipline—perhaps as a Gather, Comforter, or even a Singer.”
This startled me. I have friends among each of those disciplines, and I have deep respect for them, but I have never considered myself as anything but a Cupid.
Danit, who knows me best, said then, “Do not let your fear hold you back. To learn who you are, you must ask these questions and wait patiently for the answer to be given to you.”
“Or go to find it yourself,” said the sharp-winged angel from behind me.
For a moment, a ripple of something like tension went between the Guardians and my senior Cupids. It moved too quickly for me to understand it—by the time I glanced back, both Eburnean and their companion had bowed their heads again, silent and still.
Lubos came to stand beside me. “May I tell him the rest, Elder?”
Anteros gave his assent, and Lubos turned to me. I was dizzy—there was more?
“Asa’el, I apologize that I have not come to you before this,” my brother said. “The truth is that I was ashamed—I should have been there to protect her myself. That I was not, and yet you were, has made something very clear to me, and I have been asking our seniors ever since to correct what is wrong. They have now been kind enough to grant my request, and so from this day forward, you will be the one to protect and guide our fire woman.”
My heart squeezed as if he had taken hold of it in his hand. “You are transferring her case to me?” I looked to Danit for confirmation of this.
She was smiling. “You have loved her for so long, Asa’el,” she said, glancing at Anteros, “and Peronel did say that you were to let love guide you. And we have no fear now that you will not be able to manage her case! So she is yours.”
“As she should be,” Lubos said.
Again, I had no words. Now my heart was expanding, filling me, filling everything.
“Guide and guard her well, young brother,” Anteros said, “and know that you are loved.”
He dismissed me then, and I came rather dizzily away from the interview to tell Brid and Inca what had happened. They both wanted to celebrate, but I could not bear the company, however willing to rejoice with me. I needed to be alone, to allow this to sink in, and I hoped that writing it would help.
I think perhaps it has. I am so grateful to my seniors, to Peronel, and to Lubos. I cannot wait to go and see Freya, this time with authority to help and protect her as I wish—at last, at last! And yet I am also uncertain and afraid as to what waits for me in the coming days.
But I will not hesitate. Love has guided me in the past, and love will guide me now. May it be a steady compass in my heart.