It is a relief to me that Sabasa and I have learned how to disagree with one another. Not much else good has happened today, it seems, but the respect between us is something I can truly be thankful for.
Allen and Megan have been moving in the direction of a relationship, though they are not quite there yet. They are still getting to know one another, but more importantly, the addition of art back into Allen’s life is a big change, and he is still finding out what the new normal is. In fact, in any other situation, I might have wanted him to wait until his life is a bit more steady before bringing someone else into it. But Megan is not the kind of woman to wait around, and she is such a good fit for him! I want to make it work.
That does not mean that there have not been some difficulties. Megan is understanding when Allen gets distracted, and she likes to talk about art, but in the past days some of the shine has worn off of the novelty. She is beginning to feel that his art is the only thing that is on his mind, and all the understanding in the world is not going to make her want to stay with someone with whom she is second-best.
Wary of just such this eventuality, I went to Sabasa today to ask her to step back for a while and let Allen explore his relationship with Megan. She was hesitant. “He has so many wonderful ideas now,” she said. “I would hate for him to lose them.”
“Could you not bring back any idea that he has now?” I asked. “I just feel that they need a chance to develop a solid foundation together.”
Still she held back her agreement. “His art needs a strong foundation, too,” she said. “Is it not more of a certain thing than a single relationship?”
It was a genuine question, and a good one. I answered it the only way I knew how. “It’s not this specific relationship that worries me, but his ability to have a relationship at all. You may recall, I had a charge not long ago who discovered a fascination with art. She feels passionately about it, and it has given her life purpose and direction. And yet she is not happy, because she has lost the ability to truly connect with other people.”
It hurt my heart to say it, to pass on the information that Bayaer has given me about Shannon. In the last months, she has bounced from one relationship to another, each shorter and less meaningful than the last. She has few close friendships, and those that she has are weakening. So while she is successful and gaining respect in her field, there is a deep loneliness in her that she covers with layer upon layer of carelessness, until even she believes that she is doing well.
I wish I could go to her myself. That even a Scribe can see this—no offense intended, Bayaer!—means that her pain is deep, though she does not even understand its source. But I have fought my battles with Shannon, and though I would choose to fight again if I could, there are others who are better served by my time and effort.
Such as Allen. “It is possible that if he loses this chance, he will not know how to grasp at the next one,” I told Sabasa. “That is a very great sadness.”
Sabasa looked at me, and I think she could see that very great sadness resting on my heart. “Then of course we will do as you suggest, brother,” she said. “I will store the best of Allen’s ideas and let them resurface in a few weeks.”
I thanked her and went back to Allen, who was at home sketching. The clock chimed as I arrived, and I reminded him that Megan was coming over, and I suggested that he do something special for her. He smiled and set aside his sketchbook so he could start on a nice dinner for the two of them, with candlelight and music playing.
There are good things I can do still. I know this, and yet sometimes the memories of my failures weigh heavy on me. I think I will go and spend some time with Freya. She, too, may not know precisely how to make true connections, but at least her heart is still open to others, and even sometimes to me, as well.