I did not want to leave the hunt today. We finally have a real lead—a Violence we have captured who was assigned to Asoharith’s command. It took some time, but we finally persuaded it to tell us what it knew about Asoharith’s plans. As a result, we now know where Asoharith will be in a week’s time, and we will be ready. But Asoharith is canny, and she has led me into traps before, so we continue to search.
I was irritated, then, when Freya began calling me this morning. She has called me a few times before, but always I checked in with the Cherub on guard with her and knew that she was not in danger or distress, so I simply ignored her. I had resolved that until Asoharith was captured, I would keep my distance from Freya.
Freya wasn’t having it. She gave me some time, but this morning she stood in her bedroom and called my name, stubbornly repeating it again and again until Ophell, the most patient of my brethren, begged me to come.
She took a breath when I arrived, as if relieved to see me. But then she scowled. “Where the actual fuck have you been?” she demanded.
“Hunting,” I answered, “and I must get back to it.”
“Nope. Not today. You’re coming with me today.”
“Freya, no, I have work to do.”
“You’re not the only one looking for Asoharith, right?”
I sighed. “No, but I am in charge.”
“Well, let someone else be in charge for one day.” She sat down on the end of her bed and folded her arms. “I’d be happy to talk to your supervisors if you like. But you’re my guardian and now you owe me nine whole hours of quality time, and I’m taking them today.”
“Freya,” I said, wondering where all of my patience had gone, “Asoharith now has the power to capture and kill me, which means she also has power to hurt you if she were to come for you. That endangers not just you and me but also whoever is associated with us. I have to find her as soon as I can.”
“You know, I thought angels were supposed to be smarter than humans,” she mused. Her eyes pierced straight through me. “The more you push yourself, the worse a hunter you’ll be. I know you, Ace, and I know you can’t just keep going. You need a break, and I’m giving you one.” She got up and picked up a small backpack. “I’ve taken the day off work, and we’re going hiking. So let’s go. I’ll drive,” she added, shooting a grin over her shoulder at me as she left the room, clearly expecting me to follow.
“She’s right,” Anathalie murmured in my ear.
I hadn’t heard her come in, and Freya hadn’t noticed her, but this wasn’t exactly a surprise. Anathalie is the deadliest hunter in our ranks.
“I can manage without you for one day,” Anathalie answered. “Pure wrath is not your strength, Asa’el. You need to remind yourself of what you are fighting for.”
“Anathalie—”
“Go with her. Consider it an order if you like.”
“Ace?” Freya called up the stairs, her voice hard-edged. She wasn’t about to relent on this.
I sighed, and I went.
The drive was not long, but it was quiet. I’d expected Freya to press me with questions, but she said nothing as we made our way out to Blue Hills Reservation. I stayed close to her, and even then I thought that it was like coming in from the cold and sitting by a fire. There was something so calming and comforting about being next to her.
But increasingly as she started out on the trail, walking along the edge to kick the last of the dew from the grass, I felt that I couldn’t be there. I didn’t deserve to be there in such peaceful surroundings.
“Freya,” I said, speaking for the first time in an hour. “I should get back.”
She didn’t answer, but I could see in the tightening of her mouth what she thought of that.
“What if the two of us together is too much of a temptation?” I asked her. “What if Asoharith attacks us here?”
“Then you can face her at last. Isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along?”
“Not in any circumstances that put you in danger.”
“Aren’t we safer together?” she asked. “Haven’t we proved that?”
I couldn’t argue with that, so I said nothing.
“So clearly that’s not why you’re avoiding me,” Freya said presently. “What’s the real reason?”
I didn’t answer, because I knew what she would think of my response. But she didn’t need me to speak it.
“You know what I think? I think you’re punishing yourself. You always do that when you think something is your fault, and you always tend to think things are your fault.” She turned to step up onto a boardwalk that made its way across a bog. It was actually quite lovely with the steam rising in the morning sunlight.
“Ace, nothing Asoharith has done has been your fault,” she said.
“It’s me she wants,” I answered. “Everything she’s done so far has been to hurt me.”
“And what have you done to earn her hate?” Freya asked. “You don’t even know why she hates you, do you?”
I couldn’t answer that, either.
Freya paused on the walk, looking out across the watery ground. Between the steam and the overgrowth, it was easy to believe that we were the only two in the world, cut off from everything in the stillness.
“Asoharith did this,” Freya said, “and you’re as much a victim as anyone. Whatever her excuse, whatever she has convinced herself is true—the violence came from her, not from you. You deserve to be free of it. You deserve to have happy days. And I hope this is one of them.”
She turned to me, smiling, and then her breath caught and she stepped back, nearly falling off the boardwalk. I reached out to steady her. “What is it?” I asked.
She stared at me. “I saw you,” she whispered. Then she went on, frowning, “No—I can see you.”
I was astonished. “Really?” I opened my wings, and her gaze followed them.
“Not clearly,” she said in a breathless voice. “You’re like—outlines of light in the air. I could almost convince myself that it’s just a weird reflection with the trees and the water, but it’s not.” She laughed in wonder, her hand rising to cover her mouth. “And isn’t it perfect that every time I catch a glimpse of you, you look like pure light to me?”
It was that, more than her words, that comforted me. If Freya, who is the loveliest soul I know, sees nothing but light in mine, how can I argue with that?
We spent the whole day together, and I told her about Haizea, what I knew about her and what I’ve learned since then from her friends and companions. I wept a little, and it was a release that I had not thought I needed. We walked through the park together, looking at the way that spring was beginning to open the world, and when we left I knew that Freya was right, for now I feel sharper and more focused.
I am not to blame for Asoharith’s hatred. I did not make her, nor did I do anything to earn her spite. I don’t know why she chose me, but I will rise to meet her when she strikes, and I will beat her back. Freya and I both deserve to be free of her hate, and we soon will be. It will all come to an end very soon.