Pamela flew out to London today—even now she is soaring over the Atlantic, hunched low in her uncomfortable seat, filled with excitement and anxiety and loneliness. I am also full of those things, for she is flying out of my life at the same time.
It was very difficult for me to let her go. Pamela has been my longest-running assignment, and she has roused powerful emotions in me. It was with her that I first used anger as a weapon in love, and it was for her sake that I first made use of my own anger. I know her to her very soul, and in looking after her I have learned much about myself. To leave her, then, is much like losing a friend.
Danit tells me that I will be welcome to visit her, of course, and I have visited my other dismissed charges from time to time. But it is not the same. Her life will move on, as will mine, and we will both grow and change. It will never be as it was.
I am having to remind myself that this is a good thing. My own selfishness should not be enough that I would wish her to still be in need.
At the airport this evening, she certainly did not look needy. She walked tall, hand-in-hand with Lee, her eyes taking in everything. Her family was there, too—Lee had surprised her by inviting them to dinner, and they all came, her stepfather, her brothers, and yes, even her mother. Pamela’s eyes kept coming back to them, her younger brothers tugging and dodging around one another, Angela scolding them, William running through a checklist to make certain they had not forgotten anything.
“There it is,” he said. “Your gate is B20. And we’ve got plenty of time to get you through security.” He checked his watch and grimaced. “I think.”
“Well, I better get going, then,” Pamela said, her voice cheerful. She held out her arms to her brothers. “Come here, munchkins.”
They flew into her arms, Evan asking questions about the plane she would be going on, Eric asking plaintively when she would be back. She answered all their questions as best she could, kissed their cheeks, and told them more than once how much she would miss them. Finally they pulled away, and Lee grabbed their hands to tell them more about planes.
Pamela turned to William, who was already looking damp around the eyes. “You sure you’ve got everything?” he asked. “Got your liquids in a baggie? Laptop somewhere you can get it easily?”
“Yes, Daddy, I’m good,” she said, smiling.
He shook his head and stepped forward to tug her into his arms. “You’re better than good,” he whispered into her ear and kissed her cheek. “You are amazing, and I can’t wait to hear all about what you’re going to do this year. I’m so proud of you, Pam.”
Pamela blinked her tears away and returned the kiss. Then she turned to her mother, who looked back at her seriously.
I have not spoken of the relationship between Pamela and her mother often in the past months, because there is not much to tell. They have fallen into an easier relationship since Pamela’s reconciliation with William, but Angela has never addressed her own disagreements with Pamela, and Pamela has never brought it up. It still sits between them, still keeps them from true intimacy, which hurts me for both of their sakes.
But sometimes, they can set it aside, if only for a moment. This was one of those moments.
“I’m going to miss you, Mama,” Pamela said, and she meant it.
Angela’s face softened. “Oh, baby,” she said, and she stepped forward and took Pamela into her arms. “You’re going to be fine.” She said it so fervently that Pamela couldn’t help but believe it.
They held one another close for another moment; then the unsaid words settled back around them, and Angela stepped back, clearing her throat. She kissed Pamela’s cheek and turned away without looking her daughter in the eye again.
I regret that I could not mend that relationship. But I think that will take more power than an angel has.
William drew the family away a little bit as Pamela turned to Lee. He smiled, his hands in his pockets. “Off to take on the world,” he said.
“You bet,” she said, clearing the thickness from her throat. Stepping forward, she held out her hands. “But the only reason I can is because someone is still going to be here waiting for me when I get back, right?”
“I told you,” he said, leaning closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She nodded. “So I’ll call you when I land, and then every Tuesday and Thursday will be Skype nights.”
“With periodic special dates,” Lee said, nodding—they have been over this schedule many times. “You’ll be home for Christmas, and I’m coming out for spring break.” He grinned. “I’m really excited about that already.”
She laughed—he has made that very clear. “And you’ll keep me posted about your dad?”
The reminder of that made his smile disappear, but he pulled it back, comforted by the genuine sympathy and concern on her face. “Yeah, of course.” Some of the strain went out of his expression as he said, “You know, he’s really looking forward to meeting you. Like I don’t think he’s going to be able to wait for Christmas. I fully expect him to crash one of our chats.”
Pamela laughed. “Well, he’d be welcome.” She took a moment to study Lee’s face, then sighed and stepped into his arms, pressing her face against his chest.
“Why’d I have to find you now?” she whispered.
He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her close. “Better than not finding me ever,” he pointed out. He nudged her back and put both hands on her shoulders, leaning down to get on eye level. “And we’re going to be fine. It may suck to be apart, but you’re my person, Pam. That’s not going to change. So you go and take on the world.” He ran his thumbs over her cheekbones and smiled with all the love in his heart. “I’ll be even more in love with you when you get back.”
And when she leaned up to kiss him, there was such love and comfort and security in her heart, that I could no longer doubt. She has found her person, her partner, the one who will let her fly so far and high and give her a place to come home to when she is ready. I could not have done better for her.
So while they still stood close, I wrapped my wings around them both and filled them with all the power in my heart, such that they gasped with the force of it. “Let your hearts be one,” I whispered, “and let that give you strength in the days ahead. You are both safe in the love you have found, and I am glad.”
And I am glad. But as much as Lee, if not more, I will miss her. Like him, I will still love her no matter the distance.