I am hurt. I am hollowed out, I am…I do not know what I am. I should have known this day was coming, but I refused to believe in my own failure. Would it have hurt any less, if I had known it was coming? I cannot say, but it hurts a great deal regardless.
I have been removed from Shannon’s case.
Danit called me to her just as I was going down to check on Shannon, and the moment I heard her voice, I knew. For half an instant I considered not going, but immediately I regretted the thought of such disrespect and disobedience. Still, it was hard to face the words.
“I know you do not want to hear this, Asa’el,” Danit said when I joined her, and her aura was radiating understanding and comfort. “But it is time. You must let Shannon go.”
I could not speak.
“We do not make this decision lightly, I assure you,” she continued. “But having seen the way Shannon has been going in the days since her exhibit opened, your other seniors and I are in agreement that what the Readers foretold has come to pass. She has closed her heart, and now there is nothing to hinder her pride from growing out of control.”
“But she has found a passion,” I protested. “She can see the beauty in her art—”
“Passion of the mind is not the same as passion of the heart,” Danit reminded me. “Yes, she will now have more zeal in her work, but that energy will be kept for herself rather than being used to enrich the world.”
“Perhaps I could help her. I am willing to keep working. I understand that it may take time, but I can be patient—”
Danit shook her head sadly. “It would be a fruitless work, Asa’el.”
“How can you be sure?” My voice was too sharp; I apologized and tried to calm myself. I am still trying to calm myself.
Danit waved that away. “I myself cannot be sure, but it is the task of the Readers to interpret the Choice Web. Do you have no faith in them?”
“Of course I do, but…” My wings were trembling with the force of my emotions. “It is my task to love her. Is there no room for faith in that love?”
Danit sighed, and in that moment I could see that her heart was breaking, too. “Asa’el, I know. That is why this must end now. If you continue on, you will only shatter your heart again on this unyielding soul. It is already harder for you to make her hear you, is it not? To keep on would be a waste of your energies which can be so much more fruitfully used elsewhere.”
To this argument I had no response. Still, it was bitter, to know that Shannon is to be alone again and have no word to say in her defense.
Danit embraced me, and I felt her tears against my cheek. “I must ask you not to go to her anymore, Asa’el. I am sorry, but I must.”
So I have not. I want to, more than anything, if only to say a proper goodbye, but I have my orders. I will not see her again.
I am…shattered. That was a good word to use. And I think I would rather shatter myself more than accept my failure and Shannon’s—what? Damnation? Surely she is not lost. Surely it is not so grave as that. But no angel will care for her now. No angel will whisper to her, or guide her, or guard her. She has turned away from goodness and selflessness, and she will not hear us. We must give up.
Am I simply to accept that? For the sake of those I might save in the future, I must let this one, this impossible, hardheaded woman whom I fought so hard to love, fall away into whatever fate may find her?
Now I know what I am. I am angry.