Divide

Sometimes what is right to do is not easy.  Sometimes the differences between two people are too great to surmount.  It is a shame when this happens, but it is just one of the truths of this hardened world.

This evening, Anna and Rob were going to go out to dinner, but she called him this afternoon to cancel.  When he pressed her, she told him that she wanted to go to bible study tonight.

“Well, if you want to, we can go if you want,” he said.

“No,” she said, a bit too abruptly.  She took a breath and went on calmly, “I just really want to go on my own, Rob.”

“Why?” he asked, a little offended.

“Because…well, because it really doesn’t mean anything to you, and it means something to me.”

“So what’s changed?  Because you didn’t mind last week.”

Anna’s heart began to race, and she smiled, blinking against tears.  Into the phone she said only, “Look, we shouldn’t have this conversation over the phone.  Why don’t you meet me at the café tomorrow afternoon and—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you talk like that and I’m never going to be able to sleep.  Why don’t I come over now?”

Anna hesitated, looking at the clock—she really did want to attend the study tonight.  But I reminded her that she owed Rob the truth, and that delaying this conversation would not make it any easier.  “Fine.  I’ll see you soon.”

“Fine.”

Rob must have been made very worried by Anna’s words—he arrived at her apartment less than half an hour later.  He kissed her firmly, and she returned the kiss, but he could taste her reluctance and stepped back, real worry prickling in his chest.  “What’s up?” he asked her.

She sighed and took his hand, pulling him to the sofa.  They sat down next to one another, angled together so that their knees were touching, and Rob kept hold of Anna’s hand when she tried to pull it away.

“So here it is,” Anna said after a tense silence.  “Rob, I’ve been trying not to admit this to myself, because you’re clever and sweet and I’m ridiculously attracted to you.  But…well, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can get past the faith thing.”

Now he was the one who pulled away.  “Oh,” he said, and there was much bitterness loaded into that one syllable.  “So because God says you can’t be with me, that’s it, is it?”

Anna looked levelly back at him, and I was so proud of her.  “God doesn’t say that I can’t be with you,” she said.  “All God says is that he loves me, and he wants me to live my life in a way that shows that love.  And with you…I can’t do that as well as I could if I had someone who believed by my side.”

Rob scoffed and pushed to his feet, pacing across the room.  “So when exactly did God say that to you?” he demanded.  “You find it written on your toast this morning?”

The scorn in his voice was hurtful, but Anna only smiled.  “Actually, I was washing the dishes,” she said, her words soft with memory.  “You know my dishwasher’s broken, right?  And the maintenance guy has been taking forever to come fix it, so I had all these dishes to wash yesterday.  So there I was, elbow-deep in suds and grumbling about having to do it myself, and then…”  She shook her head.  “I don’t know where it came from.  But for a minute—it felt like he was standing right behind me, the warmest, most loving presence I have ever heard, and he said, I washed dirty feet without complaining about it, and I’m the King of heaven.”  She looked up at Rob, and there were tears in her eyes.  “He said, I died for you, Anna, and I never complained, because I was glad to do it.”

Adiola does very good work.  She took Anna’s own thoughts and created a vision that felt natural, something that might have come directly from Anna’s mind, and yet was entirely convincing.  Anna is no longer in any danger of believing Rob’s side of things is correct.

Rob was silent.  In her eyes he saw something he has ceased to believe in—true faith.

“It was like—he was really there, Rob,” she said, wiping her eyes.  “And I know you won’t believe me, I know it sounds crazy, but I felt him there.  I heard him laugh—he laughed, Rob!”

“Nice of him to laugh at you,” Rob mumbled.

“But it was such a nice laugh—like when your parents laugh at something you did, and you feel so happy because you made them laugh, you did something funny.  That’s how it felt, but so much better.”

She got to her feet, pressing her hands over her heart.  “The point I’m trying to make is that my savior is real to me.  He’s real, Rob, and he’s alive, and he is a huge part of my life.  And he’s a part you can never share, because you don’t believe in him.  So…”  She let her hands fall back to her side and looked at him sadly.  “So I can’t be with you, because I would always want to share my faith with you, and you would never accept it, and that would break my heart over and over again.”

Rob wanted to argue, but he could think of nothing to say.  He wanted to tell her that she was crazy, that she was buying into a pipe dream, that all this had no impact on real life—what he sees as real, anyway.  But when he looked into her shining eyes and saw the conviction there, his words dried up in his throat.

Anna stepped forward and took his hand.  “I care a lot about you, Rob,” she whispered, “but we both deserve better than this.”

Finally, reluctantly, he nodded.  “Okay,” he said, his voice rasping.  “But this sucks, Anna.  This really sucks.  We’re good together, aren’t we?”  He met her gaze, in his eyes one last plea that he could not speak.

She smiled, and for a moment, for the first time, it was he whose faith was shaken.  She’s so sure, he thought.  So maybe…

I assure you, I threw my wings around him and pressed as hard into this feeling as I could, but it was no good.  He drew himself back and away from Anna and me both, clearing his throat and trying to hide how affected he was.  “I guess I better go then,” he said.

Anna followed him to the door, watching as he stumbled out.  “Take care, Rob,” she said as he started to pull it closed.

He stopped, and then he came back through the door at speed.  He seized Anna’s shoulders and kissed her hard, and after a moment of surprise, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him back.

When he came charging at her like that, I was tempted to intervene, but in that moment I could see him more clearly than I ever have.  He meant her no harm, that was certain.  Somewhere in his spirit, in a place hidden from his own eyes, he realized that she is a light that he has not found in his life for some time.  I pitied him, and so of course I let him kiss her goodbye.

And Anna deserved this moment, too, which taught her that she can elicit passion and strong emotion in others.  She will hold this moment in her heart for a long time, I think.

When finally Rob let her go, she stepped back, staring at him with wide eyes.  He looked back for a moment, and then, without a word, he turned and stormed out of the apartment.  Anna stepped forward and quietly closed the door behind him.  Then she slid down it and began to cry.

I stayed with her, holding her in my wings and murmuring to her.  I reminded her of what Adiola had told her, how she is loved and safe in the light of her God.  It only made her pain a little easier to bear, but it was not nothing, and she realized that.  She may not have known that I was there, but she did know that she wasn’t alone, and that was enough.  After a while she smiled through her tears, and she did make it to the study after all.