Tyisha has taken an interest in Alex, and so she has been helping me look after him even after I returned from my mission. Between her and Taralom, there is little enough need for me to be there for now. Ruhamah says that Ophell and I need to rest, so there is no training for a few days. And I have not spent too much time with Freya, as my mood affects her quickly these days, and I do not want her to feel the way I do. So this evening I found myself with nothing to do, but no wish to remain in heaven. I went instead to the mountain, and there I found Orison as if he had been waiting for me.
“Asa’el,” he said, smiling at me. “Please let me tell you again how very proud I was of your work as a scout. You did very well that night.”
I could not answer that, and Orison’s gaze sharpened on me. “You have questions,” he said.
“I do,” I admitted, “but I am not certain that I want to ask them.”
Orison did not press me. “What you must decide, then, is if you believe silence to be more comfortable than the truth.”
I like his wording. The truth is always best, but it is certainly not the most comfortable choice.
At last I said, “You did kill the Violences, didn’t you?”
He did not answer, but he did not need to.
I shifted my wings. “What happens to the Fallen when they die? Where do they go?”
“They go nowhere,” Orison answered. “They are erased from existence. Perhaps their former selves, the angels or humans they were, may live on in memory, but even that will fade. Nothing remains of them.”
I swallowed. “And what happens when angels die?” It was difficult to make my words much louder than a whisper.
Orison was silent for a moment. “They return to the Father. Their energy and their memories will be used to help him create new angels, and so they are given a new beginning.”
“But they themselves, the entity that they became, is gone.”
“Yes.”
How could he say it with such peace? He has been fighting for many years now, and every battle has taught him something new, given him wisdom and strength. If just one of those Violences had gotten lucky, or if the Apostate had attacked after all, it might all have come to nothing. All that is Orison would have been broken to pieces, never to be one whole again.
“Speak your thoughts, Asa’el,” Orison said gently, and when I looked up I saw the warmth in his gaze. Still, it was a moment before I could find the words.
“You told me,” I said at last, “that a Guardian will receive the Lower Eye when they have proved their strength and cunning in battle, and when they have shown that they can manage their fear.” I tried to go on, but could not.
Orison knew what I wanted to say, though. “And you no longer wish for that moment to come for you, and for that reason you worry that you will not learn to overcome your fear.”
I bowed my head, shamed and saddened.
Orison came closer to me, and his wings came around me, shutting out the world. “It is good and right that you should realize how precious your life is, and that you should not wish to risk losing it,” he whispered to me. “Rather I am glad that you are frightened, because you have shown yourself too ready to put yourself in danger in the past, and this will make you more careful in the field. But it does not make you a coward, Asa’el, and it will not keep you from protecting those whom you love.”
I looked up at him then, and while his face was grave, his eyes were warm.
“Do you think that I will be a Cherub someday?” I asked him.
“I am certain of it,” Orison answered, “and sooner than I would like. But it will not happen before you are ready for it. In the meantime, you have much to learn.” He stepped back. “Tell me about Alex’s plans.”
I cannot say that I am fully relieved of my worries, but I do feel better having unburdened them to Orison. I have always felt better knowing the full truth, however hard it may be. And while I know how precious my life is, it is always good to be reminded that others find it so, too.