It is easy for me to reduce the struggle of these two people into a few words. There is much more that must be kept in mind in regards to any relationship, and this one is certainly no exception.
Pamela met last night with a group of friends to talk about her troubles. These women are her closest confidantes—they keep a running conversation via online message, and often they will meet for brunch on Sundays. This, however, was an “emergency hobnob” as Pamela called it, and all three of the others were serious as they listened to Pamela speak.
“Honestly, I’m so done with this,” she explained over her mug of coffee. “It’s like he can’t find the time to care. And lately I’m having the same problem.”
Pamela’s friend Diana, who has paler hair than Ramona and whom I find quite mesmerizing, holds out her hands. “Well, there’s a sign.”
“Yeah, if you’re losing interest in the relationship, it’s time for a break,” Evelyn said, flipping her thick ponytail over her shoulder.
The fourth member of the party, Mal, was busy signaling for a server at this point. A very direct person, even occasionally harsh, she intended to leave the comfort and advice to the others.
Pamela was not telling the truth when she said that she did not care. There was misery all around her, so heavy and thick that it had exhausted her. Even her friends could see it in her hunched shoulders, her shadowed eyes.
“It’s too much,” she said, staring into her cup. “All I want is for him to want to be with me, you know? I’m so tired of chasing him.” She took a breath, then pushed the mug away. “I think I have to end it.”
The force of those words brought silence down on the table, only broken when the server returned with a bottle of red wine and four glasses.
“Coffee is just not cutting it for this one,” Mal said, tucking the check[1] under her thigh and pouring the wine. “Pam, you’ve been thinking this way for a while. Just do it already. You’re killing yourself and him by drawing it out.”
“You’re not happy with him anymore,” Diana pointed out. “The relationship is getting to be way too much work.”
Pamela put down her wineglass and buried her face in her hands. “But he loves me,” she moaned. “And I love him. He’s my person.”
Evelyn, who seems quiet because she always thinks before she speaks, leaned across the table. “You remember that time last month when he told you he wanted to make the relationship work?” she asked. “And then that same weekend he went to that charity benefit his friend was running?”
“His friend who so happens to be a girl,” Mal added, sitting back with her glass in hand.
“It wasn’t like that,” Pamela said with an impatient gesture. “I never thought it was like that.”
“But he chose to go, right after you had said that you wanted him to spend more time with you,” Evelyn went on. “You needed him to prove to you his willingness to commit to his decision, and that’s what he did.” She shook her head, picking up her own glass. “I think ending it is the right decision, hard as it might be. Love is wonderful, but it’s just a feeling. You have to have head and heart on the same page if you’re going to make this work.”
Pamela sighed; she could feel that they were right. “I have fought so hard to keep us together,” she said.
“But that’s the thing,” Diana said. “You shouldn’t have to fight. He should want to be with you as much as you want to be with him.”
“A relationship goes two ways,” Evelyn said, nodding. “You both have to pull your own weight, and he’s not.”
“It’s like being in a rowboat,” Mal said, her mouth quirking up. “If both sides aren’t rowing, your boat goes in circles.”
That made the women laugh, but the levity didn’t last. Pamela drummed her fingers on the table. “He’s coming over on Sunday. I’ll have to do it then. I just hate that I’m giving up when I asked him not to.”
“You’re not giving up,” Evelyn said. “You’re protecting yourself. Rohan doesn’t know what he wants, and if he’s with you, he’s not going to figure it out. You need to let him go so he can. Then, maybe you two can give it another shot.”
The conversation continued along these lines as all three women worked to give Pamela the confidence to do what had to be done. And I do believe that it has to be this way, now. For Pamela and Rohan, love has become a habit. When they are together, they fall back into the roles they have played for so long, but both of them are ready to move on. Pamela, with her swift ways and hard-working spirit, is managing to do so on her own. Rohan is less lucky, and he is dragging her down with him.
She will need my help to break the habit, but these women love her and know her well, and they are right. It must be broken.
[1] The list of what items have been purchased and how much they will cost. It is amusing to me to watch humans argue over who will take care of the check—it is one of the times I enjoy their fierceness, as it comes from their desire to take care of one another.