We all know that the Stolen Earth is dangerous for us. It is one of the first things we are taught as putti. It is beautiful, the crown of the Father’s creation, but it is also a spiritual battleground. I think we forget the extent of the danger in the face of the beauty. Allow me to assure you, brothers and sisters, that the danger is very real.
You all know that I was spending much time in the Garden with my charges—too much time. In vain my seniors counseled caution, which I in my pride and my desperation to assist, ignored. Over the past few days my weariness increased to the point of pain, and yesterday I finally reached a breaking point.
I was with Tammy and Lamarr, longer than I should have been, but I was concerned about the direction their conversation was going.
“—just think I need a little bit of time,” Tammy was saying, though she would not meet Lamarr’s eye.
Lamarr stood in the door of her mother’s bedroom, watching her fold Sheridan’s clothes and sort them—these to give away, these to keep, these to throw out. “Of course I don’t mind postponing the wedding, Tam,” he told her. “God knows you’ve got enough on your plate right now. But I want to help you through this.”
Tammy thumped a sweater down onto her mother’s bed, dimly disappointed that it made no noise. “You can’t help me through this,” she said thickly, blinking back tears. “No one can help me through this.”
Lamarr stared at her, and some of the fear and anger that he has been hiding for days finally broke to the surface. “That’s bullshit,” he said.
Tammy stiffened. “Well, you wanted to know how I feel.”
“Yes, and how you feel is dumb.” Lamarr came into the room and seized her elbow when she tried to turn away from him. “Tammy, I love you. I want to give you everything you need right now, and if you weren’t so busy being a damn martyr, maybe you would see that.”
“A martyr?” Tammy repeated angrily, staring up at him through red-rimmed eyes. “How dare you say that to me?”
I tried to calm them, but it was as if they could not even sense my touch.
“I’m saying it because you are scaring me to death, Tam!” Lamarr said, taking her by the shoulders and giving her a shake. “I feel like I’m going to lose you.”
“Oh, that’s what you’re worried about?” Tammy demanded, pushing him aside. In vain I tried to calm her, but her anger batted me away as easily as she would a mosquito. “My mother just died, and you can’t think of anything but yourself?”
“Don’t you think I’m broke up about this too?” he snapped. “I loved her, too, Tam!”
Tammy’s fists clenched. “Don’t you even try to tell me that you even liked my mother!” she screamed. “She never liked you and we both know it! She thought I was an idiot to marry you, and maybe she was right!”
The pain and shock that crashed down on both of them in the wake of those words was like a wave. I know no other way to describe it, because it was a feeling that struck me hard and bore me away from them, off into the darkness.
When I woke, I was back in heaven, surrounded by Healers and Persuasions, anyone who might be able to assist in restoring my failing energies. It was extremely disorienting, even distressing, to feel as weak as I did.
Brid was closest to me, and I saw her aura brighten as she saw me return to consciousness. “There you are,” she said, her wings shivering with relief. “You frightened us for a moment, Asa’el.”
I took a moment to breathe, absorbing the warmth they were still offering me. “Tammy and Lamarr,” I said finally. “I left them in such an awful moment—”
A sound like a sigh went through the gathering, tinted with laughter. “So stubborn,” Danit said as one of the other angels stepped aside to let her through. “Zezette knew that you would ask. Yes, the damage of Tammy’s words is great, but we have sent a skilled Comforter to keep watch over both of them, so that when you are well again, they will be ready to hear what you have to say.”
I absorbed those words—when you are well again. It became clear to me in that moment—and I wonder at my own obtuseness that I did not realize it before—that I was not well, and have not been for some time. I have been pushing myself too hard, gathering shadows in my spirit without even realizing. I wondered what would have happened to me if I had not been stopped by my collapse. I am still wondering it, and it terrifies me.
“But I will be permitted to return?” I asked, humbled by the evidence of my foolishness.
Danit smiled at me. “Asa’el, you have sinned against no one but yourself, and you have done that out of love. Even if we wished to punish you, the scare you have received would be more than enough. Yes. Rest well and accept the strength your brothers and sisters offer you, and when you are ready we will give you what you need to continue on.”
With that she left, and I surrendered to the ministrations of my kind siblings. I have only now felt strong enough to come and share what has happened with all of my readers.
Brid will not tell me what the outcome would have been if Zezette had not been watching and come to fetch me, and her reticence frightens me. If I had been left on Earth, senseless and helpless, what then? How close was I to annihilation?
I am torn. Duty and desire compels me to return to the Earth, to all of my charges who are still depending on me. And yet I am afraid. Has my spirit been scarred by this encounter? Am I made weaker by the events of this day? What will happen to me if I am not so lucky the next time?
Angels are not meant to be afraid of death, not until after our birth into the flesh. But it is possible for our spirits to be destroyed, and I am very much afraid of that.