Pain does not only touch the present. It has an influence on the future, as well. The memory of pain influences one’s actions and keeps one from believing that happiness will last.
Pamela has felt a great deal of pain in her life. She has borne rejection by her family and hollow love with Rohan. She was forced to hurt her friend Andrew to keep him from hoping for a love that would not happen. She was separated from Lyle, the distance and the difference between them making any long-term relationship an impossibility. She began to fall for Daniel, only to learn that he belonged with someone else. In a way that was the hardest one of all, not only because it could have ruined her, but because she could truly see that Daniel cared for her, too.
All that pain has healed, but she carries the memory of it in her shadow. She remembers it all well, and it makes her doubt the future.
I have been trying to encourage her to talk to Lee for the past few weeks, trying to show her that there is something worthwhile between the two of them. She does not try to deny it even in her spirit now. Lee is kind, thoughtful, funny, and loving, and there is a real connection between the two of them. Yet still she hesitates, because to commit to him makes her doubt that she is doing the right thing in leaving. To tie herself to him would give her something to regret when she flies out, and she wants to venture out with her whole heart focused on herself and her work.
I managed to persuade her to mention this to Lee tonight when he came to see her. They had just been watching TV together, but he put the show on mute when she said his name and gave her his full attention. I didn’t even have to warn him that this was serious; he knows her well enough now.
It took a moment for her to speak. “You know I really like you, right?”
He smiled. “Always nice to hear again, of course.”
She didn’t look up. “I think I’m really lucky to have found you.”
Into the silence, Lee, who could read some of her thoughts on her face, prompted gently, “But?”
“But,” she said, exhaling and leaning harder against his shoulder, “come on. I’m flying out in three months, and here you’ve got me doubting—I mean, it’s just my luck, isn’t it? To find you now.” Exhausted by those few words, she dropped her head onto his shoulder.
Lee put his arm around her, absorbing those words and the emotions behind them into his soul. “Okay,” he said after a moment. “First of all, thank you for the compliment. Second of all, you know that I want you to go, right?”
That surprised her, and her first instinct was to read it in a negative light, to be hurt. I soothed her, whispering that she only had to wait to hear the truth.
He made her look at him. “This is an amazing opportunity for you. It’s going to teach you so much and expand your horizons. You’re going to come back so strong and so beautiful and so wise that people are going to ask me how the hell I managed to get with someone so far out of my league.” He rested his hand on her cheek, letting his fingers brush into her hair. “And even if you do come back, drops-of-Jupiter-style, and see at last how far out you are from me, I’ll still be happy you went.” He laughed a little. “I mean, seriously, what kind of an insecure son-of-a-bitch would I be if I tried to make you stay just because I was afraid of losing you?”
She blinked away her tears, her eyes fixed on his face.
He leaned in and kissed her, then wiped the tears away. “All I want is to spend time with you,” he said. “And then in August you’ll go flying off across the world and you’ll hear nothing but cheering from me. And if you meet some fantastic guy in London, or if you don’t and you decide that you want to be just friends when you get back, that’s okay too. I’m not going to hold you down.”
She sniffed and wrapped one hand around his wrist. “What if I want you to hold me down?”
“Now you’re trying to use me as an excuse,” he scolded her. “No dice, babe. You’re going to go out and kick ass whether you like it or not.”
That made her laugh, and she leaned in and curled against his chest. He held her for a few moments, then reached for the remote again. “Now, can you shut up, please? I love this show.”
They dissolved into laughter, and I left satisfied that Pamela was reassured. She finds comfort that Lee does not want to restrict her, even though a part of her wants to be tied to him more securely than she already is.
I am a bit concerned about Lee, however. He hid it well from her, but to me it is plain as day that he already loves her dearly. To him, she is his future, and the impending separation is deeply painful for him. That he can push all this away in order to give her what she needs shows great strength of heart, and also the depth of his love. If she does decide to break from him, it will not be a wound that heals easily or quickly.
It is difficult, for they both seem to need different things right now. But I hope that time will give me a solution, and in the meantime I will be watching over them both.