I continue to spend much of my time with Gabrielle and Nick, and in this case no news has certainly not been good news. Their marriage is stagnating, and while both of them feel that something is wrong, they have different viewpoints of the trouble. Nick only knows that Gabrielle is quiet, sometimes distant, but it does not trouble him greatly. Gabrielle, however, is slowly sinking into crisis. She feels—and she is not wrong—that she is the only one now who puts any effort into their relationship, that try as she does to show Nick love, he never seems to respond in kind. It breaks my heart to see the weight on her soul, which only grows as she struggles, with nothing to show for it.
I am proud of her, though. She has been patient, and she has continued to try. And there is some consolation here—her loneliness has made her more open to me, and so I have been able to show her one of the reasons for their disconnect. Once she understood this, she took action, sitting Nick down at their kitchen table for a serious conversation.
“Okay,” she said, taking his hands and holding them. “I have to tell you something, Nick.” She looked into his face and very nearly backed out, but I leaned over her and kissed her cheek, and she rallied. “I’m not happy,” she said, meeting his gaze.
The words sent a jolt through him, but he didn’t really understand—or he didn’t want to. “You mean—with us?”
“Yes, with us,” she said. “With our marriage. With our relationship. I’m not happy. Something is wrong, and I think I know what it is.”
Now he wanted to run away, but I laid my hand on his shoulder, and he sighed and leaned forward. “Okay,” he said, leaning forward. “What’s wrong, then?”
Gabrielle hesitated a moment. “I’m not trying to start a fight,” she said, “so if I’m wrong, just—just let me get what I’m thinking out, and then you can say your piece. But I want you to know that I feel this—that this is a reality for me, and I hope you can respect that.”
He waited, worried now.
“I think…” She stopped a moment to find the right words—it was harder, in this moment with his eyes on her, than all the many times she has rehearsed this conversation. “I think I was wrong to rush you into this. I should have told you the truth about my feelings…my feelings for Erica, and let you have some time to think about it. That’s on me, and I’m sorry, and I hope we can both get past that. But also…I think that ever since we did get married…that a part of you feels that I owe you for saying yes. For marrying me.”
“What?” Nick said, disbelieving, but Gabrielle held up one hand, tears starting in her eyes.
“Please, just let me finish. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I think…I certainly don’t think that you are doing it intentionally,” she assured him, taking his hand again. “But…Nick, for weeks now I’ve felt like I’m trying to make up for something, that you feel like you did me this big favor by marrying me and now I’m having to pay you back.”
Nick freed himself and pushed away from the table, pacing across to the counter and back. He was upset, and his spirit searched for reassurance—for my reassurance. I, however, stayed with Gabrielle. She is absolutely right about this feeling, and she got the idea from me. I have had several weeks now to watch in silence and to examine their feelings, and I know that there is a seed of this in Nick. It is important that they both address it now before it grows any worse.
It is so sad how humans can trap themselves in resentment, without even realizing it.
“Maybe I’m wrong,” Gabrielle said after a minute. “Maybe I’m completely off base with this. If I am, I’m sorry, but this is how I feel, Nick. So if I’m wrong, please tell me because I just want to understand what’s going on with us.”
She was crying now, and the sight of her tears softened Nick as they always have. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned back against the counter. “Well, say you’re right,” he said. “And maybe you are, though if you are, Gabby, it’s not what I meant to do at all. But…” He looked at her and sighed. “You have to admit, it hurts when the person you love tells you that they’re only with you because they couldn’t be with someone else.”
“But I’m not,” Gabrielle insisted, getting up from the table and throwing her arms around his waist. “I’m not, Nick, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I do love you, and I’m sorry that it’s not the way you wanted, but…” She inhaled deeply, swallowing her sobs, and stepped back so she could look into his face. “But I was up front with you from the beginning. And even if this wasn’t the fairy-tale, true love relationship that you wanted, still I came into this with everything on the table. I’m here. I am committed and loyal to you, and I want to make us work. And…” She looked down as he gathered up her hands, running his thumbs over her knuckles. Very nearly she lost courage, but then I was there behind her, and she took a breath and finished. “And even though I didn’t give you much time to think, still you agreed to this. You are a part of it now. So it’s not fair…” She couldn’t say the last few words, but it was enough.
Nick was silent. I watched his aura closely, and I was relieved to see guilt and contrition rolling through him, rather than resentment and resistance. He let go of Gabrielle’s hands so he could catch her face and kiss her teary eyes. “You’re right,” he said on a thread of sound. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. I am, Gabby. Hey, look at me.” He lifted her chin and smiled at her. “I’m so sorry that I have made you feel like what you give me is not enough, because it isn’t true. I’m a lucky son of a bitch to have you.”
She punched his chest. “Don’t talk about your mom that way.”
They laughed together—it was weak and watery, perhaps, but it seemed to put sunshine in the room. Nick put his arms around her, lacing his fingers behind her back so that she was pressed against his chest. “I’ll do better,” he said. “I promise, Gabby.”
She rose on her toes to kiss him. “Thank you so much for listening,” she whispered.
I was so relieved I could have danced. They were talking to one another, listening to one another, as they have not for weeks. They were sharing parts of themselves that they have kept hidden, and it was glorious. The wall between them is not down, but neither is it growing, and now perhaps they have a way through to one another.
It will be a long road—they have so little good experience, after all, and they must build from nothing. But I will be with them both, and if they can continue to talk to one another like this, they will be all right.